Vlad Takes Draconian Action

The autocratic leader of Transylvania, Vlad the Inhaler (he had asthma), called together his cabinet and closest advisers, most of whom were relatives. In a short three-hour harangue he told them there was a financial crisis. The country’s currency, the dracma, was almost worthless. The government had borrowed a lot of money from Western banks. The more they borrowed, the higher the interest rate. They couldn’t even pay the interest on the debt, let alone roll it over. Vlad railed against the bankers, calling them a bunch of bloodsuckers who were bleeding his country dry. He reminded them that was their job, not the bankers.

Foreign bondholders and banks were screaming for their money. As usual, he called the IMF to bail out the government. This would be the sixth time in 15 years. Again, he promised fiscal and political reforms. The new head of the IMF, a former press secretary of the Trump administration, called him a liar, called his beautiful land a “shithole country,” and said No More Money! Unless he allowed Trump to build a golf course and a luxury hotel in the country’s only nature preserve. Vlad told him no, because he enjoyed shooting animals there. What to do?

A long and increasingly drunken discussion ensued. His advisers, all of whom had flunked out of Western universities, didn’t have a clue. A very junior adviser, the son of the Tourist Minister, the liaison with the local Starbucks had read an article in The Wall Street Journal while waiting for 24 coffees. He suggested they should cut spending. Giggles and titters. They told him the facts of life. Most of government spending went to pay their exorbitant salaries and perks for their mostly phony-baloney jobs and to pay for contracts to friends who gave them large kickbacks. Where did he think the money came from to pay for his new Porsche? Well, the naïve youngster asked, how about cutting military spending? Guffaws all around. The Defense Minister pointed out to him that if they did that, the army would revolt and take over the government. They would have to flee to a money-laundering island to be near their money - England. In addition, he pointed out, they needed the army to put down protests and shoot a few of the leaders to preserve law and order.

In desperation, the former ambassador to United States came up with an idea. What if we declared war on one of our neighbors? We would promise their president $10 million if he would “invade” our county and “defeat” our forces. We would flee. The invader would then open the jails and install our political opponents in government. Their leader was a radical who hated the West. He had also read the article in The Wall Street Journal (the only publication allowed in prison, to taunt the radicals) and saw his only chance for political and economic survival was to default on the national debt. Screw the Western, capitalist, exploiting banks. Many countries had done that; Transylvania was too small to cause any ripple effect in global financial markets. No one would notice except a few crazy podcasters who believed in balanced budgets. The foreign invader would then allow our military to overthrow the government. After restoring law and order in the usual way, they would then retire to their barracks with the usual rewards (bonuses, promotions, better weapons, shiny new medals)  and we would reoccupy our old sumptuous offices and former positions. But without pesky foreign bondholders crying for their money. 

They did it and it worked. Followed by a big celebration in the Presidential Palace. Everyone laughed at the gullibility of stupid foreigners and toasted to how clever they were. The president summed up their return to power with a line he once heard from a banker, “If God didn’t want them sheared, he wouldn’t have made them sheep.”