Trump's World: A Little Bit of Gentle Satire



TARIFF AND TRADE POLICY:  HOW TO KNOW THAT TRUMP’S POLICIES ARE WORKING


 

Tens of thousands of American workers apply for new jobs sewing clothes in NYC’s revitalized garment district. They work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week for $144/week ($2/hour) with no benefits or pensions. The White House orders 10 million MAGA caps.

 

The U.S. begins producing pineapples and bananas in Hawaii again. Dole (pineapples) and United Fruit (Chiquita Banana) buy large tracts of land where pineapples and bananas were grown in the past. They also buy and demolish the luxury hotels and condo developments sitting on the land. The price of Hawaiian bananas is $10/pound.


U.S. farmers apply for food stamps.

 

In the Christmas shopping season, the prices of Barbie dolls and Legos double. Parents experience sticker shock. Children beg and cry for Barbies and Legos. Parents give in. Children are abandoned on the doorsteps of grandparents living in The Villages. Grandparents organize and lobby for higher government childcare payments.


Santa Claus declares bankruptcy. North Pole Inc. can't afford to buy toys for deserving girls and boys. The unemployed elves are denied U.S. work visas because of a new regulation barring short people from inside the Arctic Circle. Barbie becomes a social media influencer.

 

About 50% of toilets are imported from China. Most of the rest are also imported. The U.S keeps a high tariff on all imported toilets. As a substitute, American companies manufacture and install outhouses. America becomes one of Trump’s “shithole” countries.

 

The U.S. has not imposed any tariffs on our allies Russia and North Korea. In return, both countries promise to remove any non-tariff barriers against buying American nuclear weapons. President Trump says this will reduce the government’s trade deficit.


International trade, both imports and exports, plummet. The American trade deficit goes down. President Trump declares victory. A global recession follows; America’s unemployment rate doubles to 8%. Trump vetoes a large fiscal stimulus bill because it will add to the yearly deficit, saying “Americans will have to suffer a little while longer.” Tens of thousands of unused shipping containers are repurposed as low-cost housing.


Penguins from McDonald Island, wearing MAGA caps, demonstrate in front of the White House, chanting “We deserve a break today.” Trump revokes tariff on penguins. Penguins rejoice, dancing on happy feet and chanting “Make Antarctica Great Again.”


Canada and Mexico strengthen border security as large numbers of Americans try to enter illegally. 


DOMESTIC POLICIES:  HOW TO KNOW THAT TRUMP’S POLICIES ARE WORKING

 

Trump directs nurseries to only sell native plants.

 

Florida is hit by another series of destructive hurricanes, causing extensive damage. Home insurance companies declare bankruptcy, don’t pay claims, and pull out of Florida. Trump sets up a relocation program to pay affected Floridians to move to Greenland. They will receive $1,000 and a free airline ticket. $2,000 if they promise to wear a MAGA cap.


Canadian “snowbirds” stop flocking to Florida in the winter. Canadian geese stop flying south.


Latin Americans, including drug gang members, stop laundering dollars by buying Miami condos for cash. The Miami condo market collapses.


All national parks and national monuments are put up for sale. Smokey the Bear is fired. The Trump family buys Mount Rushmore.

 

70% of Walmart’s products are imported from China. An epidemic of PTSD breaks out among Walmart shoppers.

 

Trump cuts funds to fight global warming. Summer temperatures reach 120 degrees in Phoenix and Las Vegas for 30 days in a row. Trump waives the tariff on imported suntan lotion.

 

Trump proposes to cut Social Security benefits in half. He states that American retirees wouldn’t be able to play 30 rounds of golf per month but will still be able to afford 2 rounds/month.


After Trump cuts funding for scientists and researchers, the most popular class at MIT is Mandarin.


In 2028, Bernie Sanders is elected president and AOC is elected vice president. Congressional Republicans call for “fiscal restraint.”

  

AND IN OTHER NEWS


U.S. MARINES INVADE CALIFORNIA

U.S marines storm ashore, securing the beaches of Santa Monica. They fight their way thru sunbathers, skateboarders, volleyball players, and joggers. Some marines are surprised on how poorly clothed the natives are. Deployed to defend federal buildings, the marines were faced with angry but unarmed demonstrators from the barrios of Beverly Hills and Brentwood. The Marines are ordered not to protect Tesla showrooms from demonstrators. After completing their mission of protecting U.S. property from the descendants of immigrants, a grateful president promised them liberty passes to Tijuana. Marines with Latino/Chicano names are barred reentry into the United States.


President Trump says the 700 marines will make Los Angeles, a city of 3.8 million people, "free, safe and clean." Apparently, the only part of L.A. the marines went to was Disneyland.


President Xi of China records the song "I Shot the Tariff."


Latin American tourists to the U.S. walk up to an ICE agent, shout anti-Trump profanity, and get deported back to their home country. More tourists begin buying one-way tickets and get a free flight home.


Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense, accidentally reveals the nuclear weapons launch code in a late-night email to former Fox News colleagues.


Pete Hegseth instructs the armed forces to close down one wing of the Pentagon, declaring, “This is a blatant example of government waste. Why isn’t the armed forces satisfied with four walls like everyone else?”


Kristi Noem, the Homeland Security Secretary, believes that habeas corpus is the same thing as deportus corpus, the motto of her department.


Linda MacMahon, the Secretary of Education, says she will cancel student debt for any student who wrestled in college.


When Trump went to Saudi Arabia, the country, knowing his addiction to junk food, outfitted a large truck as a McDonald’s. Trump visits Mexico, where the government outfits a donkey cart as a TACO stand.


Trump admits in an unlimited number of Afrikaner immigrants: “Any university that wants federal aid has to hire an Afrikaner for its African Studies program.”

  

Trump says he will not cut federal funding of public television if the Cookie Monster is replaced by Donny the Big Dog.

 

Trump slashes trillions of dollars in scientific and medical research. Despite this, the House Republicans just passed a budget bill that will increase the yearly deficit. The House leadership is fighting a proposed bill that all members must pass a third-grade remedial math test.


Trump asks drug companies to lower prices. Mexican drug cartels refuse. But they are willing to compromise. They agree to offer new customers free samples.

 

The U.S. government leases outgoing President Trump’s “Air Force One” jet for $50 million a year. President Trump, who negotiated the lease with himself, said this was a good example of “the art of the deal.”

 

Elon Musk transfers himself, his women, and his children to the moon to avoid the wrath of Trump. He intends to commute to work on earth as soon as his SpaceX rockets stop blowing up. The IRS rules that he qualifies for a commuter tax credit of $500,000 per round trip.



Elon Musk or Humanoid Robot?

Elon Musk says the future of Tesla is humanoid robots. I think I know the perfect face for the humanoid robots.


Harvard, after losing all its federal funding, merges with the University of Dubai. The United Arab Emirates (UAE) promise to fund all scientific and medical research, and set up industrial parks and data centers to commercialize discoveries. Harvard’s $35 billion endowment fund is transferred to Switzerland; half of it is exchanged for dirhams. UAE students go for free; all others pay at most $10,00/year. The Emirates give the university a 747 jet for free student transportation between Dubai and Cambridge, Mass.


 

 

THESE ARE NOT SATIRES. TRUMP AND HIS OFFICIALS ARE TRYING TO PUT ME OUT OF BUSINESS!

 

The acting head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency told employees that he did not know the United States has a hurricane season.

 

Kash Patel, the new head of the FBI, has called the FBI “Government Gangsters.” He has started giving FBI agents polygraph tests to root out leakers and disloyal agents. Many top FBI agents have been fired or reassigned to immigration cases. American criminals and Russian spies in the U.S. rejoice.

 

Michael Boren, an Idaho ranch owner and a Trump donor, is Trump’s nominee to oversee the very agency, The Forest Service, he has had a long-running feud and legal conflicts with over his decision to build an airstrip on protected land. Trump intends to visit him when he receives his new 747 from the UAE.


A number of Republicans who voted for Trump's "big, beautiful" budget admitted they didn't read the entire bill and didn't know it contained laws they bitterly oppose. They are begging Democratic and Republican senators to remove the surprising sections of the bill. Many, like Musk, are "shocked, shocked" it will increase the yearly budget deficit.

 


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For more satire, see


Future News


The Saying of the Don, the Capo Maga of Washington




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