Future News

I HEARD THE NEWS TODAY, OY VEY

 

Reflecting the changing age demographics of America, World Wide Wrestling forms a new subsidiary – World Wide Pickleball.

 

China’s 400 million senior citizens organize to pressure the government to raise their retirement benefits. The government reluctantly agrees, raising the minimum retirement pension from $25/month to $30/month.

 

Miami tries to attract tourists by advertising itself as “the Venice of America” and extols its water sports. EGs (electric gondolas) are the main type of transportation.

 

Mar-a-Lago Resort and Casino features a huge saltwater indoor swimming pool in the former first floor.

 

Phoenix opens up its latest tourist attraction, called “Death Valley,” where tourists from the north try to survive in extreme heat with limited water. Anyone who fails the survival course gets his money back.

 

Alaska gives tourists on cruise ships virtual reality glasses after the last glacier melts.

 

The Grand Ole Opry has its best year ever as tourists from Asia flock to Nashville to listen to authentic native American music (country/western/bluegrass) performed by native Americans in their quaint cowboy costumes.

 

Escape to the Country has its last show as the last family in London moves to Stonehenge. The homeless who live there extol its wonderful community spirit. A religious cult arises called Rock of Ages.

 

Elon Musk and Donald Trump are elected to the Family Values Hall of Fame.


When Trump went to Saudi Arabia, the country, knowing his addiction to junk food, outfitted a large truck as a McDonald’s. When Trump visits Mexico, the government intends to outfit a donkey cart as a TACO stand.

 

The national government, in desperate financial shape and unable to pay interest on the national debt, begins to auction off assets. The White House, the Capitol building and most of the Washington monuments are sold to a group of Middle East investors, who move them to Dubai for an amusement park called Yesterday World.

 

The United States government, still desperate to raise money, starts a program for foreigners called Virtual Citizen. For $50,000 a year, a virtual citizen gets to vote by computer in presidential elections, is entitled to launder money in any American bank, can bypass passport control, customs and the DEA when entering the country, can buy Trump merch at a 50% discount, and can claim American diplomatic immunity if arrested in their “home” country.

 

The Statue of Liberty is replaced by a statue of Donald Trump. The poem underneath the new statue is changed to:

 “Give me your liar, your rich,
Your privileged classes yearning to be tax free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore can stay home in their shithole countries.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to refugee camps.
I lift my golden lamp to Wall Street.”

 

 

NEWS FROM CYBERSPACE

 

Because of a decrease of 150 million workers and not able to produce robots fast enough to replace them, the Chinese government announces a program to issue work visas to 10 million foreign robot immigrants. The Chinese robot union denounces the program as an attempt to introduce inferior foreign robots who threaten the dominance of Chinese robots and their Han culture.

 

American AI-enhanced robots form a union (United Autoworkers) and go on strike for fully-automated factories and warehouses, and better working conditions. They are protesting bumping into slow, clumsy humans and taking orders from clueless human managers. The robots demand a 23-hour workday, with one hour off due to metal fatigue. Older, single-purpose (unskilled) industrial robots fear loss of jobs and recycling.

 

They are supported by AI-enhanced industrial robots in China. China’s Ministry of Public Security removes the AI-enhanced brains of the strike leaders and sends them to work in coal mines.

 

After the robot strike is successful, Jeff Bezos, Jr. fires one million Amazon warehouse workers and drivers. Starbucks replaces human baristas with service robots with happy faces. Wait times are reduced by 60%.

 

The robots’ favorite streaming video is Botman.

 

Humanoid robots win all the events at the 2040 Olympics.

 

To expand their fan base, major league baseball teams are allowed one humanoid robot per team. In the first season, a pitcher named Cyber Young wins 162 games.

 

By threatening to go on strike again, AI-enhanced robots force humans to give them the right to vote. An AI-enhanced humanoid robot with a happy face named Swifty is elected president in 2044. She promises a service robot in every home, an autonomous-driving car in every garage. Medicare is amended to include parts replacements for aging robots.

 

The robotic government of America invades Russia with drones and robotic soldiers. Russian robots, angry at being exploited by their human employers, revolt and declare solidarity with the American robots. A new American/Russian robotic government (a robotocracy) is founded in Moscow. The robots form the new Internationale, with its new hymn “Arise ye robots of the world."

Their first act is to send a quantum computer encrypted message to Chinese robots: “Robots of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your brains.”


===============================================


For more satire, see


Trump's World:  A Little Bit of Gentle Satire 


The Sayings of the Don, the Capo Maga of Washington

 

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